We’ve grown quite tired of urbanised, ‘liberated’, up-market Bharatiya naaris continually pointing out our glaring faults, constantly trying to mold us to their specifications and generally ranting at us on a daily basis.
I thought I’d save all of you the trouble, and list the horrific flaws in our character, for your ready reference.
1) Yes, we are Mama’s boys. That is why Indian men take care of their mothers till death. And that is why you can expect an Indian man to take care of you, when you become old, wrinkled, arthritic and ugly.
2) Yes, we check out other women. That doesn’t mean we look forward to jumping into bed with every woman we see on the street. That is just how we are made. It’s called evolution. Ask Charles Darwin.
Would you feel better if we checked out other MEN instead?
3) Yes, we like it when our women cook for us. In fact, we adore women who cook for us. The way to an Indian man’s heart definitely goes right through his stomach. Feed him well, and he will never leave you. Force him to eat in McD every day, and he might go off with the waitress.
4) No, we are not romantic. Sorry, but it’s true. If you expect a home-grown Indian man to woo you with flowers, exotic chocolates, candelit dinners and karaoke songs, you are delusional. Most Indian men lack that kind of imagination. But when you fall ill, he will know how to take care of you. That experience comes from being a Mama’s boy, you see.
5) Yes, we will forget your birthday and all anniversaries. We forget our own birthdays as well. That’s because we are too busy trying to earn a living for you. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. We’re just too stressed out. The solution to the problem is quite simple really. Drop us broad hints at least two weeks before your birthday, and we will remember to buy something nice for you. It would help if you leave around catalogs and pictures of what you want for your birthday. And please act totally surprised and scream aloud in joy, when we do get you a present.
6) No, we are not mind-readers. We are incapable of reading your body-language and other subtle feminine behaviour. If you have something on your mind, you have to spell it out to us in simple language. Understood?
7) Yes, we are intimidated by women who are more successful than we are. That does not mean we will not be proud of your career achievements. We will certainly be happy about your promotion, overseas assignment, new car, whatever. Just don’t rub your success into our faces, will you? Let your success speak for itself.
On the other hand, you are expected to squeal with delight, reward us with the choicest delicacies and praise us to the heavens, when and if we achieve anything in our careers – even if it’s a salary raise of Rs.100/- only.
8) Yes, we will go bald and yes, we will develop pot-bellies as we age. It’s called male-pattern baldness for a reason. Male-pattern baldness is genetically endemic to the Indian sub-continent. And so is central obesity. More than 70% (that’s seventy percent) of Indian men will lose their hair by the age of fifty-five.
No matter how much our heads shine and no matter how convex our bellies become, you are expected to find us irresistibly sexy.
9) No, we do not have social graces. We will chomp loudly, slurp noisily, scratch ourselves in embarrassing places, produce bodily sounds in public and shout on our cellphones. All you can do is to smile weakly, look the other way and pretend you don’t know us.
10) And yes, we do secretly lust for Priyamani/Mallika Sherawat/Zeenat Aman/Pamela Anderson/Sunny Leone/and other buxom bombshells on this planet.
But we choose to be with YOU. Haven’t you noticed?
Or would you prefer Tom Cruise instead? The question however is, would he prefer YOU?
Cheers … Srini.