Diwali is round the corner. Here’s how to celebrate it like the ‘patriot’ that you are:
1) Spend at least Rs.10,000/- on the loudest and most obnoxious crackers available. Thereby making you directly responsible for the exploitation of children who are forced to work 14 hours a day to make those crackers. But hey, who cares? You are contributing to the economy, no?
Better yet, rave and rant against Pakistani film stars acting in Indian movies – and buy Diwali crackers and lamps made in China. Let everyone know how ‘patriotic’ you are.
2) Explode those crackers in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morning. Thereby giving heart attacks to elderly people in your neighborhood. But hey, who cares? They’re old guys on the verge of death anyway, right? You’re doing them a favor, no?
3) Ensure that the air in your neighborhood is filled with toxic gases like sulfur dioxide, nitrous oxide, carbon monoxide and deadly metallic particles like lead, chromium, magnesium, strontium, barium and antimony. Thereby ensuring that asthma
patients (like myself) choke to death and/or end up with lung cancer. But hey, who cares? Diwali is such an auspicious day – and a good time to die, no?
4) Traumatise all forms of non-human life, including pet dogs, cats, migratory birds, cows, horses and every other animal that has the misfortune of being in the vicinity of ‘patriots’ like yourself. Birds and their chicks are burnt alive due to rockets crashing into their nests, dogs go mad with the noise and bite people at random, cows are scared out of their wits and stop feeding their calves. But hey who cares? They’re just animals, no?
5) Ensure that your children burst fireworks without any safety precautions whatsoever. Thereby ensuring that some innocent passerby is permanently blinded by a bomb exploding in his face. But hey, who cares? It’s Diwali, no?
6) Cause at least one road accident, by exploding fireworks in the middle of the road. Even better, explode crackers below a passing car, so that the fuel tank catches fire. And then, you can enjoy some real fireworks, no?
7) Gather all your like-minded friends, have a wild drunken party till 4 am, smash some windows, throw some beer bottles on the road or at someone’s head, intimidate and beat up anyone who dares to complain. Because it is your democratic right to celebrate festivals in any manner you choose, no? Others don’t have democratic rights. Only you do.
8) Take pride in the huge amount of poisonous garbage that you and your kids generate, since that shows your financial status to everyone, no?
Let someone else clean it up. What are you paying taxes for, no?
Let the losers celebrate Diwali in the old-fashioned way – with prayers, reconnecting with our scriptures, seeking blessings from elders, traditional oil-lamps, home-made sweets, reunions with family and friends, quiet traditional meals with loved ones, and all that sort of rot.
You’re a ‘patriot’, my friend! Go ahead, burn money, exploit, pollute, ravage, destroy, get drunk, maim and kill.
Cheers … Srini.